HUMBLE BEGINNINGS:
THE REMARKABLE TRUE STORY
OF CANDIDATE DOUGLAS FIR
How did one of the world's most eminent politicians get to where he is today? The story of Candidate Douglas Fir is an inspiring tale of surmounting problems and fighting your way to the top. Was that a tantalizing introduction? Are you now tempted to read his story? Well, don't worry. I wrote it for you. Read on!
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| The citizens of Douglas admire the youngest Fir |
Candidate Douglas Fir was born in Douglas, Georgia to two paupers who were completely unprepared for a child. He spent the first few weeks of his life hungry and dirty on the streets of his hometown. A few horrible months passed, and eventually his parents got the idea that a baby with such a cherubic face could be a very lucrative attraction in their small logging town. They needed the money badly, so they promptly adjourned any other jobs they had and set up a little booth in a city park. A nearly illegible sign read, "Come see the prettiest baby in Douglas. 10 cents a person." Curious townspeople flocked to see the comely child and gave all their affection to the youngest Fir.
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| Candidate Fir's recreation of the booth |
However, not everyone in the town was an adherent to this activity. Two irate policemen found out about this slightly dissolute activity, gave it the label "child labor," and decided to bring about the expulsion of the Firs from Douglas. The now happy family didn't want to leave the town they had grown to love, but the policemen refused to condone the Firs and terminated their residence in Douglas.
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| The home of the man who took pity on the Firs |
Sad, poor, with no fodder left for themselves or their baby, the Firs had to walk 14 miles to the next big city. Moved by their miserable state, a rich man with a semblance of haughty cruelty but a good heart took them in. He fortified their strengths and reimbursed their losses. This kind of behavior was completely alien to the Firs, but they accepted it gladly.
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| The young Coniferous Pine and his cronies |
Abridging a long story, I will skip ahead a few years. When little Douglas Fir (that was the name his parents had finally given him in honor of the town he had been born in) was six years old, his parents sent him to school. What a mistake! Douglas Fir learned immensely quickly and almost instantly became the best student in the class. He was hard-working, friendly, and always kind. This, however, did not endear him to his classmates. Each day, the children who had been born into luxury would jeer at his parents and humble beginnings. They pilfered food from Douglas's lunch and started altercations with him whenever they could. They sullied the brightness in his eyes and made him want to cry, but Douglas remained unflinching and stood up for himself.
The worst of these bullies was Coniferous Pine, who would grow up to be Douglas Fir's opponent in the presidential race. He was a cruel child, but Douglas remained firm like the tree which shared his name. He tried his best to be kind to Coniferous while he was showered with nothing but hatred from the other boy. The rift between them kept growing, until after high school they both moved away from each other. They didn't see each other again until their names started popping up on posters and websites all over the country. Of course, this did not lessen the dissent between them.
Candidate Douglas Fir is loved world-wide for his kindness and constant support of the sad, oppressed, and bullied. Will he become our next president? Who knows? But
my choice is clear. I will vote NO on Proposition Pine and I will VOTE FIR FIRS FIRS MY FUTIRE!!
To learn moar about Candidates Pine & Fir and their policies, please visit
vote-fir-firs.blogspot.com
Candidate Douglas Fir approves this message.
