Reasons why we shouldn't trust Pine... at ALL.

Just last week, we caught wind of a foul scheme created by Pine solely for the purpose of brainwashing and torturing the masses into voting for him on Election Day. Upon further investigation by Fir and his trusty team of "Knights in Shining Needles", the gross details of the plot emerged, shocking and appalling even the most hardened hearts of America. Those who resisted Pine's cruel mental and physical assault were beaten, set fire to, and cast into the snow where they floundered for survival. In this pathetic, half-dead state, they were found by Douglas Fir, who gave them shelter and affection. From these gun-shy survivors we heard a story so bone-chillingly terrifying, we felt we had to reveal the grisly details to all of America:

"They told us they would break our bones one by one if we didn't vote for him. We could always hear screaming in the other rooms. When we'd ask about them, they would flog us and laugh maliciously. We learned quickly not to question them." 

"The last time I ever saw my sister was right before they took us into the wood-chip factory, where we would stay for a year and a half. I was about to take her hand when a large, hulking, spiked tree appeared out of the shadows, snatched her up, and carried her away screaming. Her hoarse cries of terror still echo through the corridors of my mind when I lie alone at night."

"I had no idea what was in store for me when I was herded through those doors. They seated us in long rows in front of tables made out of our Fir brethren. They armed us with axes and then a group of dead-eyed victims like ourselves brought in pile after pile of maimed Fir trees. They threw them onto the tables and a booming voice rang through the room. It said, simply, 'Kill.'"

"The second day after we arrived at the factory, we were all brought into a single room. They took one look at our beautiful Four haircuts and screamed, 'BRING IN THE BARBERS.' A legion of robots swarmed in, each bearing a foot-long, rusty blade caked with dried blood. Another order followed, and they began to shear off our signature Four haircuts. An hour passed. Once the methodic clipping had halted, we looked around the room, only to find everyone with identical bald heads. 

They had given us... Five haircuts."

These gruesomely heart-rending stories are just another reminder of why we should never, EVER trust a Pine. Lock your doors. Close your windows.

Because THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. 

Candidate Fir approves this message... and so should you.