My dreadful absence...

          Hello to my still-faithful Fir friends. I am aware of the length of my leave (over two months without any posting whatsoever), but I will give you the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Firs. A lesser man would make a great spectacle of himself as he attempted to excuse his absence. I, for one, will not bog myself down into a tangle of lies and dreadful excuses. However, I do have such an excuse.
          I was in an accident.
          Having been released from the hospital just yesterday, surely you can forgive me.
          What happened, you may ask? Well, it all started when my campaign team caught wind of a secret press conference over the upcoming election where I was to be discussed. No, they'd never let me inside the conference room, but I knew of just the right person to infiltrate the meeting incognito... my buddy Matt Treesman. We've been the best of friends since we were saplings and I have nothing but trust and respect for this guy. What, you say you've never heard of him before? Exactly. He's been a highly valued member of Team Fir and a very supportive friend from the start of my sojourn through the world of politics, but we've always made an effort to keep his identity under wraps. I had never known before when our little secret would come in handy, but at that moment I knew.
          My private investigation team, though usually reserved for matters involving the evil schemes of Coniferous Pine, immediately embarked on finding the location of the event and the safest route to drive. Within hours I had a MapQuest in hand to lead Matt and me, strangely, to the dregs of a New Orleans suburb. Something in my mind should've clicked then, but my will was too strong.
          Normally I wouldn't go along (or my bodyguards wouldn't allow me to), but I knew I'd be the one driving Matt on this trip, as it always is. You see, he had a dreadful accident in the car when he was a teen. Matt was unharmed only physically-- the emotional scarring stemming from the incident has been immeasurable. Since then, I've been the one driving us around; that's fine with me. I enjoy the feeling of sailing down an open country road, watching the Fir trees stream by on either side of the road. It's medicinal.
         A few hours into the drive, the road grew bumpy. It was a paved road ( though long since repaired), but there were no other cars around so I wasn't concerned. But as the road began to contain more and more potholes and I had to start swerving around them, I was concerned for our safety. But Matt was fast asleep next to me and I couldn't bare to wake him up to only worry him more. I made the decision to keep driving just as the storm started and heavy rain poured down on the windshield.
          The downpour continued, hindering my sight of the road ahead. A large bump passed under the car, flinging Matt's body forward and striking his head on the dashboard. He gasped with a started wheeze. "Sorry, Matt. This road's pretty bad and I can hardly see where I'm--" The car suddenly skidded off the slippery road, hurling us toward a cavernous, rocky, muddy ditch as I tried to gain control. That's all I remember.
          Waking up in the hospital for the first time, my groggy eyes were stunned to see a thick layer of bandages on my leg and my limp arm held in a structured splint. "Wha..." I choked. A doctor, dressed in his sterile whites, rose from a chair in the corner of my room. "Don't worry; all of your limbs are still alive and attached. Your left arm and leg took a pretty brutal beating. We found severe soft tissue damage as well as several barbarically broken bones. You'll recover in time." I coughed, unable to reply to such news. "Wh...where's Matt...?" I whispered. "Your friend? He escaped narrowly with only a few scratches. That boy saved your life, Mr. Fir." Matt? Brave in a car wreck? Saving me? Even with Matt's irrational phobia of car wrecks that we've lived through together for decades, I knew it was true. That was my Matt.
          With the help of the doctors and the incredible and inspiring selflessness of Matt, I've recovered enough in the past two months to return to my Virginia home. It'll be a much longer road to complete my healing, but each day in physical therapy is getting me a little closer to being myself again. Matt's moved nearby to help out with my therapy and I couldn't be more grateful or have a better friend.
          Once I started reading the news again I found out what became of the convention in New Orleans. As I had recalled earlier, New Orleans contains my mortal enemy's headquarters. It was a set-up by Coniferous Pine to take my life. He planted the stories in the paper about it and had the building ready to detonate mid-meeting. The conference hall's occupants and everyone near it was killed in a fiery explosion. I'm starting a memorial fund in their names to assure such tragedy will never again happen at the cruel hands of Coniferous Pine.
          I'm living one day at a time now. Every day I think about what I do have: my life, family, friends. For those things I am eternally grateful. It's a great day to be alive.

Douglas Fir

Earth Day

Greetings, faithful Fir friends! An extraordinarily joyous Earth Day to you. I hope you all do something marvelous for the environment today. I was recently in an airport and I saw a sign supporting rainforest conservation! A day later, I went to a Starbucks and I saw a special rainforest conservation coffee blend. It was delicious.
So support YOUR favorite environmental charity today, and do the Earth a good deed.
Amiable regards,
Candidate Douglas Fir.

Douglas Fir's popularity is growing at an astronomical rate!

I found this cute little guy in my wanderings on the Internet. I hope you enjoy him as much as my nephews did! http://www.etsy.com/listing/62943933/douglas-fir-the-little-bear-with
This was found by my team as they searched for new ways to cater our website to younger audiences. It's simply incredible that I never tried this in all my years of living in Portland! Once I get back home I'll check it out, for sure. One of my friends, however, assures me that the sorbet itself is named after me.
http://wanderlustandappetite.blogspot.com/2011/03/douglas-fir-sorbet.html
This I found while looking for cold remedies. I was shocked by 1) the suggestion that one actually drink something made out of pines and 2) the last notice in "Tips & Warnings." Actually, I probably should have expected that. Check it out.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2102192_pine-needle-tea.html
What a productive day it has been, Internet-wise!

New Mexico

Some new Fir friends pose "fir" a photo.

Hello, faithful Fir friends! I have just received some photos of my recent trip to New Mexico to share with all of you. Some of these were taken by those who know me well, and others were taken by those who came to my speech at the Carson National Forest.

 It was so beautiful there!

My friend designed this super cool poster!

Quite the turnout.

Moar changes...

Greetings once moar, faithful Fir friends! As I'm sure you've noticed, my delightful team has changed the layout on my blog. I personally ADORE it. I think it will stay like this for quite a while.
Minor things:
Nothing. Everything works just fine.
As for the banner, I was greatly inspired by my recent trip to New Mexico. I will post pictures of that later this week, hopefully. I enjoyed seeing the hot-air balloons so much I simply needed them on my blog!
I hope you enjoy my new blog layout.
~Candidate Fir

A nice little picture FIR you

Isn't that a delightfully happy lion right there? Yes. It is. ThereFIR, he is my new profile picture.

A few changes...

Hello, faithful Fir friends! As I'm sure you've noticed, there have been a few changes to the display of my blog. I personally LOVE the way it looks! It even has fir trees on it!! However, there are a few minor technical difficulties that I have not been able to fix...
1) The "Home" link above the latest post does NOT link to the home page. If you are NOT ALREADY ON THE HOME PAGE, click on the "VOTE FIRS FIR YIR FUTIRE!!" at the top of the page. If you are there and simply wish to refresh the page, press "refresh" (hahahahahahaha). Other than that, click on "Blog posts" on the left of the page.
2) Similarly, the "About" link also DOESN'T link to my "about" page. It doesn't do anything.
3) I'm sorry if the text at the top is hard to read-- that is being worked on.
If you find any other problems with this fancy new layout, please email my team at: needs.moar.firs@gmail.com with questions/comments.
I hope you enjoy!
Sincerely, Candidate Douglas Fir

A sign I saw the other day...

How extraordinarily delightful!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Greetings, faithful Fir friends! Candidate Douglas Fir speaking. Today, as I'm sure you all know, is St. Patrick's Day. I have a few issues I would like to address with you on that subject, so sit back, relax, and read this post from my heart to yours. 

FIRst order of business:

It has recently come to my attention that several of my faithful Fir friends have waged war on a young man named "Patrick." They really, truly despise him and even give the title "Patrick" to other people they equally despise. CHILDREN, THIS MUST STOP. Not all Patricks are villainous, just like not all Firs are of the genus Abies. You musn't judge someone based on their name being Patrick because:

Second order of business:

Fir friends, beware. Many people die in car accidents each year on this day because of recklessness and overdrinking. Pines are on the lookout for Fir supporters in extremely vulnerable states. They kidnap them and... terror ensues. My advice?

Third order of business:

Do not stay away from four-leaved clovers, my Fir friends! They are our allies! I am very close friends with a four-leaved clover. We bonded instantly-- 4 is my favorite number. It sounds like "fir" if you say it right. So do not fear the four-leaved clover, because:



Thank you fir reading this post and perhaps following my advice. Have a happy and safe St. Patrick's Day!

Reasons why we shouldn't trust Pine... at ALL.

Just last week, we caught wind of a foul scheme created by Pine solely for the purpose of brainwashing and torturing the masses into voting for him on Election Day. Upon further investigation by Fir and his trusty team of "Knights in Shining Needles", the gross details of the plot emerged, shocking and appalling even the most hardened hearts of America. Those who resisted Pine's cruel mental and physical assault were beaten, set fire to, and cast into the snow where they floundered for survival. In this pathetic, half-dead state, they were found by Douglas Fir, who gave them shelter and affection. From these gun-shy survivors we heard a story so bone-chillingly terrifying, we felt we had to reveal the grisly details to all of America:

"They told us they would break our bones one by one if we didn't vote for him. We could always hear screaming in the other rooms. When we'd ask about them, they would flog us and laugh maliciously. We learned quickly not to question them." 

"The last time I ever saw my sister was right before they took us into the wood-chip factory, where we would stay for a year and a half. I was about to take her hand when a large, hulking, spiked tree appeared out of the shadows, snatched her up, and carried her away screaming. Her hoarse cries of terror still echo through the corridors of my mind when I lie alone at night."

"I had no idea what was in store for me when I was herded through those doors. They seated us in long rows in front of tables made out of our Fir brethren. They armed us with axes and then a group of dead-eyed victims like ourselves brought in pile after pile of maimed Fir trees. They threw them onto the tables and a booming voice rang through the room. It said, simply, 'Kill.'"

"The second day after we arrived at the factory, we were all brought into a single room. They took one look at our beautiful Four haircuts and screamed, 'BRING IN THE BARBERS.' A legion of robots swarmed in, each bearing a foot-long, rusty blade caked with dried blood. Another order followed, and they began to shear off our signature Four haircuts. An hour passed. Once the methodic clipping had halted, we looked around the room, only to find everyone with identical bald heads. 

They had given us... Five haircuts."

These gruesomely heart-rending stories are just another reminder of why we should never, EVER trust a Pine. Lock your doors. Close your windows.

Because THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. 

Candidate Fir approves this message... and so should you.